Friday, January 23, 2009

How to Vacuum a horse in 12 easy steps

Step 1: Find the nastiest dirtiest horse in the barn. Eenie Meenie Miney STAR... CHECK

Step 2: Tie her to single tie, not cross ties. Will stand like a statue in single tie. CHECK

Step 3: Go get Shop Vac, realize cord is too short, search for 10 minutes for ext. cord. Realize all I had to do was move horse to the right where plug in are. DUH.... See above Stars back? Yeah, I'm brilliant like that. CHECK CHECK

Step4: Stop what you are doing, smoke break, and call Blanket Lady and tell her you will be giving her disgusting stable blanket tomorrow. CHECK.

Step5: Attach new smaller attachment thingy. Realize it may still suck itself to her butt. Dammit. CHECK

Step 6: Considering another smoke break, this is a lot of work so far. Press on. CHECK

Step 7: Turn on Vac and start at the super scratchy spots. Watch mares eyes roll back and lip move. Wipe the white stiff hairs out of my lip gloss for the umpteenth time. CHECK.

Step 8: Take Potty break and hurry because it's cold in the porta-john in the dark. CHECK

Step 9: Work down to the withers, back and hiney. See the dirt rolling itself into the hose. Kick self for not buying the vac sooner. CHECK

Step10: Under NO circumstances allow vac to suck itself to the flank or soft underbelly. This is mandatory if you want to make the Shop Vac remains your mares friend. One sucky suck to the flank and well, you paint the picture. CHECK

Step 11: Vacuum yourself occasionally as this process will cause stiff hairs to fly around and cling to you like Velcro. Forgo the lip gloss or chap stick this will cause nothing but grief. Wearing Black is also not a good idea if you have a white horse. Once again my brilliance is really shining through here. CHECK

Step 12: Sit back smugly as you have just sucked 5 pounds of hair and dirt into the vac and it took all of about 5 minutes. AWESOME... Revel in the fact you spent 30 bucks, plus 5 for the new attachment thingy and mare almost looked well... relaxed afterwards. She luuuurves herself some Shop Vac! I hope you found this helpful.!


Laughing Orca Ranch said...

Well just lookey there at Miss Bling Bling Princess Star!! She got the royal spa treatment! hehe

Yep, I would think a sucky suck on a horse would totally suck. hah!

Star always stays so darn clean and smooth coated. My girl is so neglected right now. I've not been able to get to the barn to brush and groom my painted princess for over 4 weeks! Baby Doll looks like a dingy yak.
I so need to get me one of those nifty shop vacs. Maybe I can ask for one from my family for Valentines Day.
What a romantic pressie, eh?


gtyyup said...

Hey, how cool is that??!!

I can't believe how much shedding is going on over on your side of the state! Nothing happening here yet.

Heather said...

Super Cool....uh can you do Grace for me?


Jocelyn said...

Lisa: I am OCD about keeping her clean, thats another post entirely.
She looked like a yak until yesterday when I shaved her jawline and muzzle.

Gttyup: She is shedding like no ther, I get piles and piles of hair. In another month I'm going to have to wear a mask when I groom.

Heather: Absolutely not.
Your Welcome...

Heather said...

Yeah that's what I thought. Bummer

Marilyn said...

Do you think that method would work on a ten year old boy with the same results?

Katharine Swan said...

I think you'd have to peel Panama off the ceiling if I tried this with him. Oh, he'd get used to it, but the first few times would be INTER-ESTING, to say the least! ;o)